You don’t have to be Joe to learn English, but if you are Joe, learn English.
Sometimes it’s a bit difficult to relate to the characters of You, what with the murder and all. It’s hard to remember that they’re also normal people who might have gone to uni in London in another life and stare blankly at a UCAS screen while waiting for an answer. Here’s our attempt to humanize them – what grade the characters would attain if they went to London Uni.
Natalie: Law
Let’s face it, Natalie was kind of irrelevant. What we do know is that she started out young and idealistic and ended up with a bit of a drinking problem, so law at LSE makes sense right? One minute you’re ready to join an NGO and fight The Man, the next you’re in a law firm with your head buried in paperwork trying to figure out copyright claims and realize you’re now The Man, aren’t you in Natalie’s case, you married him.
The expression of regret when you realize you have to go through a third night.
Love: arts and sciences
Indecisive, a craving for anything, parents rich enough to own Anavrin and give you a job guarantee after graduation… sounds just like… you. Love can bake, run a business, be a mother and kill people and dispose of evidence at the same time. That’s what I call a versatile girl boss. She also has to take that biochemistry lab module to learn how to properly poison husbands, so it all adds up. UCL are lucky to have them.
Murder, muffins, marrying a sociopath – what can’t she do?
Forty: Environmental Sciences
Forty only loves three things: love, trees and drugs. He likely exclaimed on several occasions that he wished he were alive when Woodstock happened and that he was “born into the wrong generation.” You can just picture him sitting on Hampstead Heath with a joint full of hydroponic weed, listening to Father John Misty and claiming it’s “studying”.
The point is, he thinks he’s way cooler than everyone else and he’s definitely going to City.
Forty makes eye contact with his dealer at the student center.
Sherry: Politics and IR
Sure, Sherry takes politics and IR, but because of her influencer lifestyle, she never takes classes. While the students are caught up in lectures, she’s at a coffee shop in Mayfair, letting a valet park her car, which is worth four years of tuition. During the reading week, she also vacations in Antigua and works to save orangutans on Borneo. It’s not a big problem – she’ll work for Daddy anyway after she graduates.
Sherry uploads her paid Insta post for Juicy Couture.
Cary: Geography
I bet you thought of exercise science right? Not correct. There’s something incredibly pure about Cary’s connection to nature – you can almost picture him hiking a hilltop, map in hand, inspecting rocks by a river. Sure, there’ll be testosterone-fueled screaming, wild kale juice, eating raw meat, and various kinds of nudity. But hey, at least he has colored pencils.
guys look! It’s the real GI Joe!
Peach: interior design
Her parents are loaded and Peach is at the pivotal stage in her development where she wants to redecorate the house (to UHaul with Beck, of course). It wouldn’t hurt to have a rich husband who did a lot of business trips and mysteriously disappeared a few months into their marriage. At UAL, it fits right in. Nothing embodies all of this quite like a perfect shaggy rug to match the curtains!
The hateful look that Peach has reserved for carpets.
Theo: Gender Studies and Philosophy
Theo has openly stated that he studies Gender Studies, but he certainly does a bit of philosophy on the side. Not because he is interested in Kant’s categorical imperative or Nietzsche’s eternal return, but because these words wet his pants (or so he thinks). He goes to Kings and definitely every week to Guy’s Bar.
Can someone please tell him that Simone de Beauvoir was a pedophile before quoting her again???
Be careful with him – he just realized that Heidegger was a fascist Nazi.
Candace: Official dropout
Candace probably started out at the LSE with big eyes and a bushy tail. Two years of her studies radicalized her to the point where she joined either an anarchist group or a cult and mysteriously disappeared for a year without informing anyone where she was going. A year later, she reappears, becoming the physical manifestation of the voice in your head softly chanting, “Get out, get out, get out…”
Candace stops in India after her Eat, Pray, Love year.
Marianne: Comparative Literature
Marianne is a twisted embodiment of the cool girl, and she would probably be interested in that. Flashback ten years ago and she would definitely have been the original alternative girl who idolized Sylvia Plath, Jeanette Winterson and somehow Lana del Rey. Also, Girl, Interrupted is definitely her favorite movie. They will have found her in the club’s smoking section and asked you (only slightly ironically) “Rah, where’s my Baccy?”
Marianne just found out you don’t know who the Arctic Monkeys are.
Joe: English
I mean. Moron. His affinity for sexy librarians and mystery girls crouching in bookshops will definitely be satisfied in London. You’ll find him in English class staring contemptuously at your modern vintage copy of the assigned reading, and God forbid you have an original paperback because then he’ll definitely follow you home. Likewise, if you recommend YA lit to him, you’ll be the next to end up in a body bag.
Joe walked past Waterstones trying to figure out where his death chamber would go.
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